L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.


Maltitol makes you fart!

Why can I not find a vegetarian buffet? My husband and I adore buffet's. So much so it hurts. Really, the fat around our middles is heavy. It's become a main player in our lives. We talk about it constantly. We point to it adoringly during sex, walks on the beach, at the theater. We haven't named it, yet, but perhaps we will soon. So, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could go to a buffet that didn't consist mainly of moo goo gai pan and general tao's chicken? And instead consisted mainly of beans and lentils and nuts? Mmmmm, my mouth waters for yummy foliage. But I live in the south, where a person could get shot for stealing someon's fried okra and breakfast of champions was shrimp 'n grits instead of Wheaties.

What I'm about to complain about next is trivial, petty, frivilous even, but I'm disgusted and I need the world to know. I look so stupid today in this get-up I have on. I'm not kidding. I need to start picking out my clothes at night or something instead of sleepily grabbing something and not looking at myself until I'm already gone and it's much too late. This is not the first time I've had this problem. I put on a pair of jeans that make my hips look huge, I don't know how they do this, but seriously, there's material at the hips where it's just air inside. I have curvy places, they just don't happen to be in the hips. So, these jeans make me look hippy and then I put on this shirt that like accentuates my butt, thus accentuating the hippy area. And it's not a fitted top, so I look large already but when you get to the bottom area, I just really pop. And the jeans are low-riding sort of, and the shirt's a mid-waist type thing, so all day I'm tugging at the bottom to make it cover my pooch while trying not to expose my top. I'm a grown woman with elementary dressing issues. Retarded.

I'll close today with an exerpt from an email I received yesterday from a friend. I think it's rather self explanatory:

Yes, and there's more. First, Regina took a big bite of a capuchin power bar and felt something moving in her
mouth...she spat the contents into the pail and told kp...km then noticed a severed millipede squirming between her
teeth...much screaming and hopping up and down ensued ...lois dumped the basket of power bars into the trash only to
find more squirming and squiggling at the bottom of the basket. needless to say, power bars are off limits back here.

In hindsight, I think Regina planted the bugs to bring attention to herself since she was overlooked for the job.
How else could the bugs have gotten there? I mean, did they eat their way through the foil or what?

And yes, I'm still a eatin' them bad fellas. I prefer the "splurge" bar these days as it's NOT sweetened w/ maltitol
and is therefore flatulence-free!


I should explain that this man would go to a place called "The Dented Can" store and buy, literally, 100 power bars for a dollar. Or some such nonsense. It was an insane amount of power bars and our office was flooded with them even though no one actually admitted to eating them save for a select few. I imagine even those few will be quitting with the power bars after this little incident. One can only hope.


Online drama and Miss Manners

So, there's this, the essay in the NY Times Style section by a woman spitefully, jealously, pathetically attacking her former nanny. And then there's this, the nanny's defense.

It's been a slow day at the office.

But this is copy-worthy, and not too long to put right up (found on One Good Thing). If you haven't read the Miss Manners column, yet:

Dear Miss Manners:

Please help my friend see how rude and wrong she has been.

Jean's husband went blind from an illness. She was wonderful in the situation. She always wore perfume since he couldn't see her. Arranged the house for his convenience. She read the paper to him every day and they did the puzzle together.

When he died, I knew she would be perfect for a male friend of mine who is also blind. She overreacted and said she would never go through that again. She had let her appearance go since he couldn't see her, and she liked to read the paper to herself.

But taking care of her husband brought out the best in her, and that is when people are really happy. So I invited my blind friend over to try Jean's home cooking. She is really a spectacular cook. I brought all the ingredients and then invited Jean over. When she arrived and found Zachary here, she said, "Oh, no" and walked out.

How do you think that made him feel? My husband and myself had made plans to go out so they could be alone, so we had to ask Zachary to leave.

When I scolded Jean the next day, she jumped on me for making him go home alone and without any dinner. She claims Zachary was our guest, not hers. But we invited him for her because they would be good for each other. Now she won't talk to me at all.

Why is it that those who try to make the world a better place end up unappreciated?

Miss Manners replies:

Could it be because they have no compunction about grossly insulting and humiliating their guests under the guise of doing them explicitly unwelcome favors?

Miss Manners can hardly count the etiquette atrocities you committed. She tries to remind herself that you meant well, but frankly she can't manage it. If you had given your friends' feelings any thought at all, you would never have done this.

You attempted to trap a guest into a blind date she wished to avoid and into cooking dinner when you had invited her.

You led another guest to believe his company would be welcome when you knew it was not, and you threw him out of the house hungry.

Worst of all, you made it clear to supposed friends that the outstanding characteristic of one was his blindness, and of the other her sacrifices -- discounting that they were done for love of her husband rather than a love of sacrifice -- so it didn't matter whether they really had anything in common.

And you call them unappreciative?

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