L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Name:
Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.

7/08/2005

mine all mine

I missed out on a trip to the woods again this weekend. David and his dad went to see David's brother, Noah, in Florence, AL. Noah lives there now and David's dad lived there before. David was there briefly a couple years ago before me.

He just called me from their campsite in the trees. Noah brought tons of weed and beer that they've already dipped into (it's 3 in the afternoon). I wish I had his family. He doesn't have the issues I have, I wonder why.

I shouldn't fool myself into thinking he doesn't have issues at all, just because they're not the same as mine. We all have issues, I suppose mine are just that. Mine.

7/07/2005

Don't Cry Daddy

If there's ever been a cheesier Elvis song, I haven't heard it. Yet I still love love love this song. Love it. I used to listen to my mom's record and I played this song over and over and over again. And I sang, loud.

Anyway, through David, I'm getting to know my father in a new light. I've heard that kind of thing happens as you grow older, but seriously I just thought my dad was a jerk and figured I'd go ahead and accept that as my father. Turns out he's not so much a jerk as a totally concerned father with a strict way of raising his kids. Now that we're grown, and he doesn't have to worry about us anymore, he's lightened up tremendously.

I told David this the other day and he says maybe my dad's always been nice and I've just been a complete spoiled brat my whole life.

Screw them, they can have each other.

7/06/2005

"I love my family, they're just not my #1 priority."

That's what my uncle once told my mother. She told me today I remind her of him and I guess we're all okay with that. So, great.

She also told me my father was thinking of selling their cabin on the lake in Walnut, MS after he retires if they don't go more often then they do now. I'm hoping they go ahead and decide to do that and then sell it to me.

More and more, David and I are thinking we'd love to just live "off the grid" so to speak, a little out of the way, surrounded by woods and ticks and the chiggers who've taken off w/my belly skin in their stupid little mouths. I just loved being there, it's peaceful and woodsy and lakey and peaceful and far away from pollution, and green. We could grow things. David's father has the best garden I've ever seen up close and I WANT THAT. I could have that there. His father has lettuce and tomatoes and cilantro, basil, strawberries, basil, a BANANA TREE... so much. Just so much and I want it. I'm already dreaming and he won't even be retiring for another year. All we want right now is a house of our own, I can't imagine anything better than a house of our own on a lake in the country.

Speaking of growing things, here's a lovely story David's grandfather tells me every now and again. I wish I could tell it in his voice. When David was about 4 or 5 years old, his grandfather was lining the side of their house with some monkey grass. He'd spent about an hour or so planting each bulb, about 25 all together. He's a very meticulous man, so I'm sure the row was perfectly measured and laid out. He finished and went inside to stretch his back. After awhile, he went back out to check on, or admire, his work. Instead he found a line of holes in the ground with monkey grass bulbs lying neatly beside. None other than his sweet grandson, David, crouched at the end of the row. Smiling and covered in fresh soil. He had taken each bulb of monkey grass and neatly removed it from the ground, carefully placed each one next to where it had just been planted. "I wasn't too hard on him," his grandfather says now. Of course he wasn't, but you can still, to this day, hear the strain in his voice just thinking of the day.

7/05/2005

compromise should be a 4-letter word it seems like

There are family matters on my mind that I need to clear out. My husband and I went to my parents cabin on a lake in Walnut, MS this weekend. It was a good time, we fished, cooked, sexed and played together with nothing or no one to distract us from each other and the chiggers. I hooked my own krickets for the fishing (eww!) and sat out in the boat all day. My shoulders and back are more burnt than I think they've ever been. It's only about an hour and a half away but after the drive w/no air conditioner and a dog in my lap and sunburnt shoulders, I really didn't want to do much else.

But my dad had called earlier in the day and asked us over for a July 4th celebration that night with my brothers and their families. I said okay and then we didn't go. We didn't go because of David, let's just be clear on that point. We woke up from a nap shortly before we needed to be there, David's clothes were still in the dryer, my shoulders hurt, we were groggy and cranky and over half an hour away from my family's little get-together. I was still planning on going, though, because my dad asked me to and I told him we would. David thought it'd be just fine if we canceled. We argued about it as we ALWAYS do it seems like these days, I ended up crying and we didn't go. He kept making the point that I didn't want to either and I need to learn to say "no" and I agree, I do, but I don't know if last night was the night to do that. But really, from the person who can't say no, is any night the right one? David thinks my family spends too much time together and they expect me to be there all the time even if it inconveniences me. I agree with that, too, partly. They'd like me to go to everything -swim meets, birthdays, fathers day's, 4th of july's...- but they don't EXPECT me to. They'd just like it, and I can't honestly say I wouldn't.

I'm fucking TORN. Seriously, this is a problem for us and I don't know what to do about it. He's right and he's wrong. I'm right and I'm wrong. My family's right and they're wrong. I'm not unfamiliar with the term "compromise" but I'm having trouble implementing the meaning. I need advise, I need someone to be a reasonable mind, altogher outside of my emotions, to tell me what is a reasonable compromise and to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty about not being a part of every little function, or even some of the big ones.

David and I moved to Phoenix partly so I could get out of the circle that my family has wound so tight. I love them, I really do, and I want to spend time with them, but I don't want them to be upset if I don't come over for the 4th of July. Or because I'm always the last one there and the first to go, or I'm there and my husband's not. He's never gonna be the guy who comes to these things on a regular basis. At least not until we have kids. Things might change then, I don't know, but we don't yet and this is a point they are blatantly, in my opinion, ignoring. In fact it came up today in a conversation w/my mother. I said they've all got kids and I'm sure when I have kids they'll see a lot more of me and she said but then all the others will be grown and I said yes but it's always been that way. My whole life I've done things a step behind everyone else, I'm much younger than them, it really only makes sense. She didn't ask them to stay home in high school when I couldn't go out too, why is she expecting me to stay home now that they are and I don't have to?? This is such the important question to me. She just kind of brushed it off like it didn't make any sense.

It's always been that way for fuck's sake! Why should things be suddenly different now??

So, two years later and I'm right back to square one with them. For fuck's sake.

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