L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.


I've got a couple things

First, my husband let it slip tonight that my ass isn't as tight and nice as it used to be. I know that. Of course I know that, it's MY ass. But I did not know that he noticed. This depresses me so much that I have tears in my eyes. What's wrong with this picture? The tears, that's what's wrong! How could I ever let myself tear up over something so superficial as my ASS? He spent the next hour talking himself out of it without lying to me.

"Yeah, it's a little bigger. But I still like it."
But you used to like how it looked. What do you like now, if you don't like how it looks?
"I like how it looks. It still gives me an erection."
Great, you've told me what it takes to give you an erection. That's not exactly all too impressive. What about my ass, though? What about it is that different?
Yes, seriously. What is it??
"Well, it's not as tight. It's got pocks."
"I don't like you because of your ass, baby. You know that."
But you like my ass, and if you don't like my ass then that's something you don't like about me.
"I still like your ass, it just looks a little different. It's not a big deal, I promise."

This went on for a little bit. All the while he's getting ready to go hang out with some dude who claims to have been excorsized. What the fuck?

He left the house, kissing me, determined to make me laugh before he left. He succeeded. About a minute after he left, he brings back a HUGE branch off a palm tree that must've fallen on the ground right outside our door. Without saying a word, he stands it up inside the kitchen and leaves again. There's a huge palm frond leaning against the kitchen counter, just staring at me. The dog won't go near it.

I love this man.

I said I had a couple things, didn't I? I swear I did when I started. I must've forgotten because my ass is so huge.

Fifth sentence meme

This is the 2nd entry inspired by the netsmarts girl. Thanks, netsmarts girl. I hope you don't mind.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your journal along with these instructions.
5. Don't search around and look for the "coolest" book you can find. Do what's actually next to you.

"'If we make the scene with less than fifteen bikes they'll always bust us.'"

-says Barger in Hell's Angels by Hunter S. Thompson

I'm rereading it in honor of his death. I know that's corny as hell, but that is totally what I'm doing.


Les Idiots

I'm such an idiot. I just took a test that told me what kind of drunk I am and I dutifully copied and pasted the text to put up a little ad for them on my blog. But when I went to paste it into here I got distracted with thinking about that movie by Lars Von Trier and totally lost the copied text from the drunk testing site. And I closed that tab, so it's gone. Unless I backtrack to where I found the link to the site in the first place and then retake the test.

I'm not that much of an idiot.


Hunter S. Thompson (1937-2005)

I was first turned on by Hunter S. Thompson almost 10 years ago. I was just transforming myself from the sweet little Catholic girl that my parents had raised into the free-thinker I consider myself to be today when I came across "Hell's Angels". My best friend's father was a riverboat captain. He was drunk, free and out of control and the stories her mother could tell flowed out of her like a river breeze. She had his copy of "Hell's Angels" by HST and I borrowed it; I've never given it back. Her father was the closest person I knew at the time who lived like HST. My friends and I only dreamed about having the nerve to do what Hunter did.

It's not that often when 'normal' people are affected by the death of a 'celebrity'. I can't remember ever feeling personally connected to a celebrity dying, as a matter of fact. But when I heard that Hunter S. Thompson died of a self-inflicted gun wound to the head, I was sad. A part of me died with him, as I'm sure most of his fans feel similarly. Hunter S. Thompson helped define who I am today. He taught me not to be so scared, to think a little deeper, to drink a little more, to talk a little louder. He influenced me when I needed him most and I've never been the same since. I liked to talk about what an ass I bet he was, or how crazy he had become. I liked to call him sexist and irrational, but I liked it because, in a way, he was someone I knew, someone I could rib. I felt that I could discuss him because I was so close to him, the way I feel about close friends or family. Now he's gone and I'm just sorry.

He left us in the only way he knew how.

We have become a Nazi monster in the eyes of the
whole world--a nation of bullies and bastards who
would rather kill than live peacefully. We are not
just Whores for power and oil, but killer whores with
hate and fear in our hearts. We are human scum, and
that is how history will judge us...No redeeming
social value. Just whores. Get out of our way, or
we'll kill you.

Who does vote for these dishonest shitheads? Who
among us can be happy and proud of having this
innocent blood on our hands? Who are these swine?
These flag-sucking half-wits who get fleeced and
fooled by stupid rich kids like George Bush?

They are the same ones who wanted to have Muhammad Ali
locked up for refusing to kill gooks. They speak for
all that is cruel and stupid and vicious in the
American character. They are the racists and hate
mongers among us--they are the Ku Klux Klan. I piss
down the throats of these Nazis.

And I am too old to worry about whether they like it
or not. Fuck them.


A list of things I've supposedly never done.

The bold items are TRUE.

I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex
I’ve Never Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex
I’ve Never Crashed A Friend’s Car
I’ve Never Been To Japan

I’ve Never Been In A Taxi
I’ve Never Been In Love
I’ve Never Had Sex In Public
I’ve Never Been Dumped
I’ve Never Done Cocaine
I’ve Never Shoplifted
I’ve Never Been Fired
I’ve Never Been In A Fist Fight
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse
I’ve Never Snuck Out Of My Parent’s House
I’ve Never Been Tied Up
I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone
I’ve Never Been Arrested
I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger
I’ve Never Stolen Something From My Job
I’ve Never Celebrated New Years In Time Square
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date
I’ve Never Lied To A Friend
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher
I’ve Never Celebrated Mardi Gras In New Orleans
I’ve Never Been To Europe
I’ve Never Skipped School
I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker
I’ve Never Cut Myself On Purpose (I was "blood sisters in 4th grade, does that count?"
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office
I’ve Never Been Married
I’ve Never Been Divorced
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week
I’ve Never Posed Nude
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them
I’ve Never Killed Anyone
I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner
I’ve Never Thrown Up In A Bar
I’ve Never Purposely Set A Part Of Myself On Fire
I’ve Never Eaten Sushi
I’ve Never Been Snowboarding
I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room
I’ve Never Flashed Anyone
I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online
I've never been stopped for speeding
I've never tried to steal a friend's boyfriend/girlfriend
I've never had a one night stand
I've never had sex with a married man who wasn't married to me

So, I've barely left my hometown, I've never been fired, in a fight or wrecked a firend's car (though I've wrecked some of my own). I've never been on a blind date, met anyone online or had sex while AT the office. I've never gotten anyone drunk for sex or killed anyone. I don't like sex and pain together or pain in general and I've never done it in a dressing room. Great, those are definitely things to be proud of. But what about the married sex, the shoplifting, the arrest, the speeding?

Don't worry about those. That ain't nona yo' concern.

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