L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Name:
Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.

2/18/2005

You're not all that skinny yourself, you know.

Not that I've ever carefully guarded my weight from my husband or anything, I've just never told him the actual numbers. It wasn't something I thought he should know, I guess. Or I probably have told him and he just forgot. So, this morning when I told him what the numbers were, his eyes bugged out of his head. And considering the honest, open guy that he is, he didn't even try to hold back his dismay. He's all, "are you serious, you weigh THAT much?" So, I'm all, "you mother fucker, I didn't tell you so you could make me feel like a big stupid bag of 165 bricks, hell." (How much does one brick weigh?)

Anyway, a few minutes later, as I was undressing to shower from the gym, he looks at me in all my nudey glory and says thoughtfully, "you don't look that bad." But he says it with a question. Like either he's not certain or he's unsure how he really feels about it, since he apparently thought most respectful girls weighed 120-lbs or less. It's just a number; I know that and you know that. I guess I shouldn't have assumed that my husband knew that.

Why are we so obsessed with numbers, anyway? I went to a website recently that told me I was moderately overweight. I don't feel overweight. I know I don't look it, especially compared to most of the people I see every day. I feel a little pudgy, but really, overweight? What is this all about? What sucks the most is that I was always the skinny one. And I'm not anymore. And my husband isn't lying to me for the sake of protecting my self-image. Because my image is stronger than that. It really is. I don't enjoy him rubbing it in that I've put on some pounds.. okay, I've packed them on.. but it doesn't constitute how I feel about myself on a daily basis.

And that's not an easy feat these days.

2/14/2005

Sweet Anticipation

If it's true that it's impossible to miss your life's path, mustn't that also mean there's a meaning to everything so there must also be a god? Because I don't believe in god, but I do wish there was a path for everyone and that path is indeed impossible to miss. But that would also mean there are no coincidences and no free will, only the illusion of free will. I wish sometimes I didn't care about thinking things through. Life would be that much easier.

I just completed my new resume and letter of intent for the tech writer job. Here is a list of the things that are place for this to be my life's path of the moment:

1. My obligation to work is up at the end of February, I'm free to transfer at any time.
2. My lease is up at the beginning of March. I'm free to move at any time.
3. My stock is at a nice high, it's a good time to sell. This is the money we'll be using for the move.
4. The perfect house is available for rent, the current renters are moving as I type and rent is dirt cheap for what we'd be getting.
5. D quit his job and is just waiting now to start packing.
6. And the job, of course. The perfect job...
7. The name I was given in the name of networking took the time out of her busy day to give me the best pieces of advise ever.
8. D's mother used to work in this very department and knows both the woman and the hiring manager.

I mean, really. How can this not be right? I'm setting myself to be a very disappointed girl and I'm just thinking... This "life path" thing. If I don't get the job and I don't believe in god, thus I don't believe in life path's, what will be the reason? What will I tell myself is the reason?

Anticipation is what I live for. I love the smell of it, the sweet anxiety of it, the rush of not knowing and the feeling just before I find out.

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