L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.


Maltitol makes you fart!

Why can I not find a vegetarian buffet? My husband and I adore buffet's. So much so it hurts. Really, the fat around our middles is heavy. It's become a main player in our lives. We talk about it constantly. We point to it adoringly during sex, walks on the beach, at the theater. We haven't named it, yet, but perhaps we will soon. So, wouldn't it be wonderful if we could go to a buffet that didn't consist mainly of moo goo gai pan and general tao's chicken? And instead consisted mainly of beans and lentils and nuts? Mmmmm, my mouth waters for yummy foliage. But I live in the south, where a person could get shot for stealing someon's fried okra and breakfast of champions was shrimp 'n grits instead of Wheaties.

What I'm about to complain about next is trivial, petty, frivilous even, but I'm disgusted and I need the world to know. I look so stupid today in this get-up I have on. I'm not kidding. I need to start picking out my clothes at night or something instead of sleepily grabbing something and not looking at myself until I'm already gone and it's much too late. This is not the first time I've had this problem. I put on a pair of jeans that make my hips look huge, I don't know how they do this, but seriously, there's material at the hips where it's just air inside. I have curvy places, they just don't happen to be in the hips. So, these jeans make me look hippy and then I put on this shirt that like accentuates my butt, thus accentuating the hippy area. And it's not a fitted top, so I look large already but when you get to the bottom area, I just really pop. And the jeans are low-riding sort of, and the shirt's a mid-waist type thing, so all day I'm tugging at the bottom to make it cover my pooch while trying not to expose my top. I'm a grown woman with elementary dressing issues. Retarded.

I'll close today with an exerpt from an email I received yesterday from a friend. I think it's rather self explanatory:

Yes, and there's more. First, Regina took a big bite of a capuchin power bar and felt something moving in her
mouth...she spat the contents into the pail and told kp...km then noticed a severed millipede squirming between her
teeth...much screaming and hopping up and down ensued ...lois dumped the basket of power bars into the trash only to
find more squirming and squiggling at the bottom of the basket. needless to say, power bars are off limits back here.

In hindsight, I think Regina planted the bugs to bring attention to herself since she was overlooked for the job.
How else could the bugs have gotten there? I mean, did they eat their way through the foil or what?

And yes, I'm still a eatin' them bad fellas. I prefer the "splurge" bar these days as it's NOT sweetened w/ maltitol
and is therefore flatulence-free!


I should explain that this man would go to a place called "The Dented Can" store and buy, literally, 100 power bars for a dollar. Or some such nonsense. It was an insane amount of power bars and our office was flooded with them even though no one actually admitted to eating them save for a select few. I imagine even those few will be quitting with the power bars after this little incident. One can only hope.


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