L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Name:
Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.

7/05/2005

compromise should be a 4-letter word it seems like

There are family matters on my mind that I need to clear out. My husband and I went to my parents cabin on a lake in Walnut, MS this weekend. It was a good time, we fished, cooked, sexed and played together with nothing or no one to distract us from each other and the chiggers. I hooked my own krickets for the fishing (eww!) and sat out in the boat all day. My shoulders and back are more burnt than I think they've ever been. It's only about an hour and a half away but after the drive w/no air conditioner and a dog in my lap and sunburnt shoulders, I really didn't want to do much else.

But my dad had called earlier in the day and asked us over for a July 4th celebration that night with my brothers and their families. I said okay and then we didn't go. We didn't go because of David, let's just be clear on that point. We woke up from a nap shortly before we needed to be there, David's clothes were still in the dryer, my shoulders hurt, we were groggy and cranky and over half an hour away from my family's little get-together. I was still planning on going, though, because my dad asked me to and I told him we would. David thought it'd be just fine if we canceled. We argued about it as we ALWAYS do it seems like these days, I ended up crying and we didn't go. He kept making the point that I didn't want to either and I need to learn to say "no" and I agree, I do, but I don't know if last night was the night to do that. But really, from the person who can't say no, is any night the right one? David thinks my family spends too much time together and they expect me to be there all the time even if it inconveniences me. I agree with that, too, partly. They'd like me to go to everything -swim meets, birthdays, fathers day's, 4th of july's...- but they don't EXPECT me to. They'd just like it, and I can't honestly say I wouldn't.

I'm fucking TORN. Seriously, this is a problem for us and I don't know what to do about it. He's right and he's wrong. I'm right and I'm wrong. My family's right and they're wrong. I'm not unfamiliar with the term "compromise" but I'm having trouble implementing the meaning. I need advise, I need someone to be a reasonable mind, altogher outside of my emotions, to tell me what is a reasonable compromise and to tell me I shouldn't feel guilty about not being a part of every little function, or even some of the big ones.

David and I moved to Phoenix partly so I could get out of the circle that my family has wound so tight. I love them, I really do, and I want to spend time with them, but I don't want them to be upset if I don't come over for the 4th of July. Or because I'm always the last one there and the first to go, or I'm there and my husband's not. He's never gonna be the guy who comes to these things on a regular basis. At least not until we have kids. Things might change then, I don't know, but we don't yet and this is a point they are blatantly, in my opinion, ignoring. In fact it came up today in a conversation w/my mother. I said they've all got kids and I'm sure when I have kids they'll see a lot more of me and she said but then all the others will be grown and I said yes but it's always been that way. My whole life I've done things a step behind everyone else, I'm much younger than them, it really only makes sense. She didn't ask them to stay home in high school when I couldn't go out too, why is she expecting me to stay home now that they are and I don't have to?? This is such the important question to me. She just kind of brushed it off like it didn't make any sense.

It's always been that way for fuck's sake! Why should things be suddenly different now??

So, two years later and I'm right back to square one with them. For fuck's sake.

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