L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.


Broke Broke Broke Broke Broke

Now's where I start to freak out about money. There was an NSF charge taken out of the account today for something last week, and Earthlink has taken to automatically taking my bill out without my knowledge so whenever that Geico bill comes out, set for today or tomorrow, there will totally not be enough in the account to cover it. And more NSF fees will be incurred. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck. I can't just say Fuck all day and it's not helping, but FUCK. I work. I WORK. I should not have to worry about this shit.

David's putting stuff on
  • Ebay
  • , please check it out, you might want something. There's some decent stuff, we're going to put on an antique Christmas tree tonight.

    I also got some money out of my stock, but I don't know when that's going to be sent, so I don't know if it'll cover the geico payment. This is so boring to outsiders, I know, and I apologize for boring you with this, but I can't focus. I try so hard to keep things under control and one little thing gets behind and it all goes to shit. It's so hard to get back out. And then I'm working to pay bullshit instead of things I actually want to pay for. NSF fees have kicked my ass before and I am so scared of them. They always seem to be one step ahead of me. Besides, I'm like a fucking retard when it comes to money.

    I bounced so many checks once that when I didn't pay them all, plus the bounced check fees, I was actually arrested and taken to jail. Yes, you read that right. I know you don't know me, but I'm a good girl. I don't get arrested. But I did and I spent a weekend crying my eyes out in the women's penitentiary. I had to call my parents to post my bail because the jail folks made a mistake and didn't let me out on my own recognizance like they said they were going to do, since I didn't have any prior arrests or anything. So, I called my parents and had to see them through the little window in all my orange glory and they told me to come home. They actually gave me an ultimatum. They said either I leave David and come home with them, or they couldn't help me. I told them no.

    I. told. them. no.

    It was surreal. I was sitting in jail, wearing all orange and some plastic wicker slippers, talking to my parents through a hole in some glass, with an offer to get out and I said no on principle. Turns out they were bluffing and they got me out anyway, but fuck them for giving me an ultimatum thinking I was too weak to stand up to them. Thinking I was too scared to resist. Nope. I would've sat my ass there all week to prove to them I wasn't their scared little girl anymore. In fact, I never was and it's about time they learn. I guess they did, because they've never gone there again. I think my dad might have even gained some respect for me, in a weird way.

    When I was finally allowed to leave, my mother was nowhere to be found. I tried calling her and she wasn't home, I went to where she was supposed to pick me up and waited, she wasn't there. I called David, the line was busy. I swear to god, he was on the internet. Now I know he wasn't for most of the time I was there, but when he was told my mother was picking me up and taking care of everything, he really couldn't do anything but wait. So, when I called him and the line was busy I started walking. I walked in the fucking Memphis cold rain from downtown to midtown after crying my eyes out in front of all the prostitutes asking me if I was okay all weekend. I walked home pissed at the world, never more un-scared in my life. If I could deal with squatting nude in front of some hardass prison guard, I could deal with anything. The guy who had transported us all from the downtown holding cell to the women's penal farm drove by and recognized me walking and picked me up. He said he could get in trouble so not to tell anyone, but he couldn't just let me walk. He took me home and he was so nice and he said take care of yourself. I remember him trying to figure out if this was my boyfriend's fault, he was all, Does he take care of you? And I was all, I take care of him. I don't need to be taken care of (clearly), and he was all, whatever, try to keep yourself out of trouble.

    So, I have. And I've done a pretty good job, I think. But moments like this when the money's tight and we start falling behind always reminds me of that whole experience and I get a little sick inside. Something reacts and I worry that the police are going to nonchalantly knock on my door and take me downtown, promising it won't take long. Everything'll be alright.


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