L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.


Mondo Cane

Work tonight left me with an uncomfortable, unshakable, awkward stickiness. I don't know how else to describe when I know I've gone too far, or talked too much or generally made an ass of myself. I also know I make more of the situation than anyone else, and anyone else wouldn't even consider it a "situation" but I do and I had a hard time letting it go.

Before David left for work this morning, he yelled Sorry! for something and when I asked for what, he said simply, "You'll see." At first I anxiously went into the kitchen to find what he'd left me, anticipating some silly something to make me laugh or roll my eyes. I didn't find anything, though. I checked the computer, too. Nothing. I considered that perhaps he was setting me up; we'd been teasing each other all morning, so that would've been funny. But I couldn't help but wonder if maybe it wasn't something funny at all. That maybe he had withdrawn all the money from our savings (stocks) and was planning on leaving me. Or that he was going to quit his job and get in a fatal accident on his way home on purpose, or some awful thing like that. I try to control my penchant for irrational thoughts, but you have to understand. My first husband left me 4 (yes, shame on me) times. I got to where I'd literally hold my breath as I was turning the corner to my street until I saw his car still in the driveway. Small things make me worry in a big way. I left him 2 messages and emailed him. All of which I made out to be light-hearted messages justcallingtosayhello messages. I finally got an email from him:

Subject: ho
Sent: Tuesday, February 1, 2005 8:39 PM

i put your new purse right on my butt when you weren't looking this morning. so... sorry about that. I have to go back at 8 so I won't see you until late tonight. if you're still awake. That movie came today. You can watch it if you want. Start Xine (just type xine) put the dvd in and click on the dvd button on the realistic looking control panel. What did Sue say?

I was so relieved that I told the new guy who sits next to me because he was there and I wanted to hear myself say out loud that my husband loves me and plays around with me and would never leave me. He's funny, see? Ha ha ha ha! Now let's laugh at the hilarity that I enjoy with my husband! LAUGH DAMMIT!

But when I didn't get the proper reassuring reaction out of him, I told the girl on the other side of me. She'll understand, I told myself. But when I said the part about his butt on my purse, she thought I said anti-perspirant and asked what kind we use, roll on or spray? I was like, what? And the new guy was like, what? And so I had to dissect the whole story and I wanted to just jam my head right into the tiny garbage can beneath my desk. I actually considered telling someone else, instead. I didn't, but I thought about it. I'm so pathetic. Because now I've come home and written about it on my blog.

I'm going to go watch the movie that finally came now, Mondo Cane. The description says it features, "shocking, bizarre and eccentric human behavior from around the world." Hey, maybe I'm in it!


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