L'esprit de l'escalier

It's all about the timing.

Name:
Location: Memphis, Tennessee, United States

I'd rather be somewhere else most of the time and I'm a huge practitioner of staircase wit.

1/23/2005

Bipolar Disorder

I've mentioned that my husband does not know about this website. He can be a little too forward in his constructive criticism for my personality and I prefer to have a place where I can discuss my thoughts and concerns w/out considering how those thoughts and concerns might make him feel. I share practically everything with him, anyway... but eventually. I write to find out how I feel before I'm comfortable sharing.

I'm afraid he has bipolar disorder. I've been doing a lot of reading today and all the symptoms sound like his behaviors. He's a brilliant man, much beyond my own intellectual ability, but his mood swings and vicious self-doubt keep him at my level. This is a horrible thing to realize and come to terms with. If I push him to get help, he might get better and leave me. I'm not sure what I would do without him; possibly the same things I did before him, but I prefer him. This is all so fucking real. My problems don't compare with having a brain that doesn't want me to be in a happy-medium state of mind. My brain is not the one controlling my emotions and self-worth. His is, and fuck I want to be the one to help him take control. But I'm afraid I won't be able to convince him that talking to a therapist won't be a complete waste of time.

My job provides insurance that allows for 8 free sessions of counseling for myself or my spouse. I've taken advantage of it in the past, and I have to find a way to make him believe that he should take advantage of it now. I wish I could talk to his mother or someone about this; someone who knows him as well as or better than I do, but I know how horrified he would be if I did. So I'm left writing about it on the internet and hoping someone will come across this page and save our lives.

Since I've known him, he's not kept a job more than 1 year, and that's his current one that he hates more than any of his past jobs. He's only kept it because of my constant urging and prodding that he maintain a somewhat steady income since we're stuck here in Phoenix with no one or nothing to fall back on should we fuck up on our bills and rent. So, he's kept on until he can't even imagine actually finding a job that he's good at and that someone would respect him for. I told him I support him quitting and taking his time to find something else, but he's already worried about what he'll do when he's applied for several jobs and no one has hired him. He's afraid to even try for jobs that want experience in something he's never done, regardless how much he knows about the work. He's already anticipating the downward spiral that's sure to follow several applications and resume's with no callbacks or failed interviews. He sweats profusely when he's nervous, and then he sweats because he's aware of the sweating and that makes him more nervous. He can't wait to leave the room and have a cigarette and all of this is more than obvious. The interviewer thinks something's wrong with him and no one ever calls. But's he a genius. How can he show someone how much he knows if he hasn't got a degree because he hasn't been able to afford college and everything he learned he taught himself? He's afraid of failure, so he's afraid to try. He doesn't see this. He thinks it's everyone else, he blames the interviewer or the job world or the social pressure.

I'm afraid he's going to walk through the door any minute from work. This is supposed to be his last day. He was supposed to go out of town w/work this weekend and I set the alarm clock wrong and he missed his ride. He decided to take that as a sign and go ahead and quit after his shift tonight. I don't know what to expect when he gets home but I'm going to try to convince him to call the hotline to set up an appointment to start seeing someone immediately. I just don't want him to see me writing on my "secret" website. This is ridiculous. He has to trust me, but I'm already the reason he's in the predicament of a life, so it's a fine line.

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